(28) Coming Clean

I have been putting up a front so I need to come clean. 

By no means is my voice or my personality inauthentic, but what I've been saying is. I have been creating this false sense of promise that my work is going along steadily but in reality it is not. None of the footage that I have produced have been work that I am proud of. I have been making countless excuses and I making something that does not reflect me. It's not what I wanted to make and it's not doing my own personal grievances any justice. 

Around a year and a half ago my mother passed away. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever dealt with and it still is. Every time I think of her I yearn for her to be here. Since the beginning of the school year I wanted to make something in memory of her and make something that would allow me to release any suffering I have within myself. When this project started, I thought that I would need to plan every single little detail in order for this project to be good, but instead this has stifled my voice. I was so rigid in my planning I gave no chance for myself to think outside of the box and let the creative juices flow. Unfortunately, this has cost me greatly and I am now stuck creating something I am ashamed of. 

Before anything else, I am an artist. 

I create things because I want to express what I'm feeling. I do not care about grades or deadlines, I care about my work. I care about its quality, its authenticity, and its ability to say something that is true to me. I want it to be personal. I want it to expose layers of myself that I didn't even know exist. I need it to be true to who I am and what I do. If it is not, I have failed. 

I have been failing my project. I have been so focused on reaching deadlines I forgot why I really wanted to do this. And so, I am going to do it again. I'm letting go of my worries and I'm going to let myself create. I'm going to do it with this newfound passion in me, and I'm going to do it because I want to. Granted, this will be very hard work, probably the hardest work I have ever done, but in my eyes it is absolutely necessary. 

I am going to finish my last film project on a high note, not because I am anxious to get it done. I have already re-shooted some of my footage and reworked the intro and I am already finding that it's so much better than before. I'm going to have to work fast and hard but I know that it'll work out. It will because it needs to, I need to do it right for my mom. 

I apologize if this piece is a shock to my last posts, but I needed to get this off of my chest. I can't wait to tell you guys what I've finished doing next, I'll keep you guys posted. :)